Round One, Game One: Aftermath

Has anyone seen the Flames?

BECAUSE THEY WERE
NOT IN DETROIT TONIGHT.

The End.

Oh, what? That was them? I did see head dumbass coach Jimmy, looking nervous and confused behind the bench now that I think about it. You know what this means - a trip to Detroit (figuratively, of course, as I am actually heading to Ottawa tomorrow morning with a return to TO on Monday sometime) in the HG-COPTER <- note the re-naming.

Upon my arrival, I will be pulling on a giant boot and kicking them all in the ass. Then I will sit them down in a row addressing those who played tonight. Let's begin:

• Dion Phaneuf - You did alright. I have no real problems with you just please don't break anything this year. I need you to improve your playoff rating of -8 thus far.
• Roman Hamrlik - What a sad birthday for you. Taking a -1 rating tonight does not apply to your age, you cannot get younger this way.
• Brad Stuart - I am not happy with you. At all. DUDE! You have to watch the puck and drop to block shots and not turn your back on your man.
• Andrea Susan - I don't even know where to start with you. Why are you even on the ice?
• Tony Amonte - Just... FUCK, BUDDY!
• Jarome Iginla - The official super stats are showing you had no shots. NO SHOTS? Shoot the puck.
• Stephane Yelle - Why weren't you scaring me all night? Making me think you were hurt when you dropped to block a shot? Oh, because you didn't block any shots? Huh...
• Byron Ritchie - Dude. You were awesome. I love your feisty behaviour. You're like a wild dog and I think you should have bit someone in that late game scrum behind the net.
• Matthew Lombardi - Matty, Matty, Matty... Are you sad because I took away your nick name? As soon as you score, you get it back.
• Wayne Primeau - Uh... when you are coming up on a guy, hit him. That's all. Do I need to say 'big body presence?' No? Good.
• Kristian Huselius - I didn't really see your usefulness tonight. Two shots? That's it? Where are your hands? FIND THEM.
• David Hale - I barely noticed you and that's a good thing. Keep it up.
• Daymond Langkow - I don't know what to say to you. I'm lost. Really. What? You had an assist? Ohhh.... I just picked you for my playoff pool so I would really appreciate some more points from you.
• Craig Conroy - *glares at him* What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Special Teams?
  
• Marcus Nilson - I would say something to you but I just got distracted by my evil laughter at the guy on TSN saying that some Leafs who were at the Jays game got booed when introduced. Mwwaaa haaaa haaaaa.....
• Alex Tanguay - No real issues with you. Maybe shoot a little more often which I hear, if you do, sometimes, SOMETIMES that leads to goals. I'm just saying.
• Rhett Warrener - A minus two? Yuck. Improve or else I'm cutting your hair. Ooo! Or giving you a perm.
• David Moss - Look, I still have some KD in the cupboard for you. I'm sure your nerves were running your mind tonight as you weren't your normal hitting self. I expect to see more of that next time.
• Miikka Kiprusoff - Oh, Kipper... You make the most amazing saves. I'm sorry that the rest of the team couldn't be as great as you. Why don't you make them all dye their hair black?

That's about all. Let me know if you want me to add anything. I may either do a separate post about the so-called head dumbass coach our team has or I may decide to ignore him altogether since he pisses me off and I don't really feel like writing a post that will probably just be a bunch of swear words.

I had to run out after the first period to drop the dog off at Crazy Eight Ninja's house with the game paused, trusting my PVR to not fuck things up and stay that way until I got home. In the car on the way back, I received a text from the lovely Sherry. I couldn't bear to read it lest I find out the score so I waited until the game had caught up to live TV before I flipped the phone open. Here's what it said: Deep breaths. Just keep breathing. Thanks, hun. *hugs*